The Dead Robots' Society

Writers on Writing


“Get a web presence!” they say to me. Okay. I’ll do that. But first, I say “how? What do I have to say?” And a certain other host of the DRS keeps telling me that the neverending stream of s**t coming out of my mouth MIGHT warrant interests on other’s behalf. So, that said, I’m taking his advice, and posting something long overdue:

Mongolian Grill: the perfect bowl

In ancient times, zen masters who were tired of paying for double bowls at Mongolian Grill when their bellies were still empty developed a sacred and precautious technique for stacking double the content into a single bowl. Epitomizing the philosophy of getting “more than you pay for”, they passed these techniques down to many in the surrounding villas and towns. I apparently wasn’t paying attention that day, so I missed the lesson. But a friend of mine, BP, showed me the ancient techniques once more. Now, I’m passing them on to you.

The first part is an acknowledgement; those who know not this technique will think that those who USE this technique are dicks. But they shall be hungry – both intellectually and literally – while you are stuffed full of the goodness that is rock-friend vegetables and meat, and you will be sated for not having to move but more than once. Good on ya!

1) Meat. Get the meat in there, and pack it down. Yeah, their sign says “one meat per customer”, but seriously, with all the cross-contamination that takes place on that block, they aren’t going to check.

2) Fine-cut vegetables. These are fillers, and will close some of the edging gaps on you meat foundation. Use the broccolli, fine cut mushroom, ginger, tomato, etc. Going to green pepper, carrot, water chestnut and the larger mushrooms here is a mistake made by rookies. And you aren’t a rookie (anymore).

3) Sauces. Use your discretion here.

Ready for the part where you’ll get yelled at?

Reverse direction!

4) Larger cut vegetables. Mushrooms, carrot, g.p., etc etc. Now you’re probably getting cussed at because your line cutting. Find lethargic friends not versed in this technique to work as line holders for you!

5) Noodles. By this point, BEFORE the noodles, your bowl should runnith over. Now, noodles are like the haircut on that guy, Kid n’ Play: they stick up on the top. Trust me, friction will hold them there long enough.

Those noodles sure are sticking, Kid!
Those noodles sure are sticking, Kid!

Success! The perfect bowl!



  1. Mmmmm…. now I want to go to the Mongolian Grill and apply said ancient food-cramming techniques. Even though you began an article about food with “neverending stream of s**t coming out of my mouth,” which doesn’t do much for the appetites of most people (well, maybe some Germans).

  2. I must say, though, that this may be the most profound piece of writing I ever share. BP, the man who opened my eyes to the ways of Mongolian Grill, has continually surprised me with just how much mass he can jam into a little bowl. The man truly is a master of the grill, and I have yet to see him pay for a double-bowl lunch.

    Yeah, now I’m hungry too.

    side note: I’m late to the Mongolian Grill party. Up until recently, they had a Peanut Sauce, which meant I couldn’t go near the place with a ten foot pole.


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