All posts by PaulElardCooley

Ryan’s Goodbye to a Shitty Mic

I don’t know what episode we’re coming up on, but I’ve done them all with this piece-of-poop headset microphone. Yeah, I said it: poop. Pooptacular, even. It sounded like I was recording while leaning my head out the window of a 60’s Mustang, driving full bore across the great Canadian west. Windy. Maybe not so much on the show as it did when I did promos and voice work for people. Doesn’t matter. It was $12 bucks. I got my $11 bucks worth. What’s a buck between friends.

Now, finally, I’m using the microphone I use for my singing. It’s purdy. Problem always was that it’s an XLR style mic that requires phantom power, and that stuff ain’t easy to come by. It’s the kind of feature that’s included in a lot of preamps, but it’s rarely indicated whether it’s in there or not. Now, I’m running it through an ART Tube Preamp Studio that I picked up for a measley what-I-expected-to-pay-minus-$111. That’s right, musicians-who-listen-to-the-show: I’m rockin’ my voice through a tube preamp now. Dare I say, I sound tubular?

Anyway, next show I’m on, you’ll hear it. If you liked my old fan mic, you can send fan mail to the show’s email address. Share fond memories of it’s Sigourney-Weaver-style facehugger hold on my head, or how it used to put an awkward horizontal part in my otherwise very vertical Frohawk.

Peace out, Dead Robots.

Ry

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I am Present!

“Get a web presence!” they say to me. Okay. I’ll do that. But first, I say “how? What do I have to say?” And a certain other host of the DRS keeps telling me that the neverending stream of s**t coming out of my mouth MIGHT warrant interests on other’s behalf. So, that said, I’m taking his advice, and posting something long overdue:

Mongolian Grill: the perfect bowl

In ancient times, zen masters who were tired of paying for double bowls at Mongolian Grill when their bellies were still empty developed a sacred and precautious technique for stacking double the content into a single bowl. Epitomizing the philosophy of getting “more than you pay for”, they passed these techniques down to many in the surrounding villas and towns. I apparently wasn’t paying attention that day, so I missed the lesson. But a friend of mine, BP, showed me the ancient techniques once more. Now, I’m passing them on to you.

The first part is an acknowledgement; those who know not this technique will think that those who USE this technique are dicks. But they shall be hungry – both intellectually and literally – while you are stuffed full of the goodness that is rock-friend vegetables and meat, and you will be sated for not having to move but more than once. Good on ya!

1) Meat. Get the meat in there, and pack it down. Yeah, their sign says “one meat per customer”, but seriously, with all the cross-contamination that takes place on that block, they aren’t going to check.

2) Fine-cut vegetables. These are fillers, and will close some of the edging gaps on you meat foundation. Use the broccolli, fine cut mushroom, ginger, tomato, etc. Going to green pepper, carrot, water chestnut and the larger mushrooms here is a mistake made by rookies. And you aren’t a rookie (anymore).

3) Sauces. Use your discretion here.

Ready for the part where you’ll get yelled at?

Reverse direction!

4) Larger cut vegetables. Mushrooms, carrot, g.p., etc etc. Now you’re probably getting cussed at because your line cutting. Find lethargic friends not versed in this technique to work as line holders for you!

5) Noodles. By this point, BEFORE the noodles, your bowl should runnith over. Now, noodles are like the haircut on that guy, Kid n’ Play: they stick up on the top. Trust me, friction will hold them there long enough.

Those noodles sure are sticking, Kid!
Those noodles sure are sticking, Kid!

Success! The perfect bowl!

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